I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
