i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
