i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
