I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
