ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
