what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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