I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
