There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
