Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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