Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
