Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
