I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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