o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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