Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
