I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
