Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
