we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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