Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
