I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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