My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
