i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
