I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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