Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
