I cockslap morals
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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