youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
