the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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