yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit