Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
