If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.