apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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