Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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