I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
