Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
