I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
