I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
