How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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