Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
