I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
