You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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