I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
