Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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