woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
