Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
