I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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