Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
