theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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