does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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