I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
