mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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