Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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