I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
