Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Barsexuality is the new black.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
