remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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