OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
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At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
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Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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