I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
