Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
