I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
