Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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