I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
